2 years ago...

Well 2 years ago now my father passed. I was pretty fucked up from this for a while, personally I think I still am. But not a day goes by that I do not think of my daddy. I miss him so much, especially since I'm getting married soon and he is not 'here' to share that wonderful day with us. It is going to be tough to go through with this. That is the only reason why I have to agreed to get married years earlier. I was so affraid that I would, and still may, freak out at the wedding with out my dad.
Well, my older sister Jill, is a great writer let alone person. She knew my dad a little differently and had more time with him to know him better than I, so I think she put this best....

Saturday, July 24th, 2004. My father passed away. It was a sudden death, filled with complications. One day I will share the story but not today.

Today is for celebrating his life. So in honor of my father I will share a little about him.

He was the first born child of first generation immigrants - his mother of German and Irish descent and his father from Calabria, Italy. He was born in Adrian, Michigan May 15, 1946. He had 11 other siblings ( a traditional Catholic family) - 5 other brothers and 6 sisters. The family moved to the LA area of California when he was in his pre teens.

He was a very rambunctious child, and as a teen was always getting into trouble at school, with his parents and with the law. He hated going to school and would often skip classes to hang with his buddies and work on cars or race them. He was the classic bad boy - smoker, school skipper, car hawk, lady's man.

Cars were his passion. He loved the classics and enjoyed riding his motorcycle. He finally graduated from Hollywood High School, attending school with some Hollywood stars such as Barbara Hershey.

He escaped the Vietnam Draft because he was less then perfect - he lost his left eye when he was about 14 - but several of his friends didn't and a close one never returned. He wished that he could have gone.

But instead his life was spared and I thank the heavens for that or I wouldn't be here today.

My father met my mother when they were both working for First Interstate Bank. They fell hard and fast in love and eloped after a short courtship on July 4th, 1973. I came shortly after.

I remember my dad being there for all of my Softball practices and games, even volunteer coaching one year. He encouraged me and helped me learn the game and taught me how to throw. He was one of my biggest supporters and perhaps the reason why I played ball from the age of 9 until I graduated High School.

I have many fond memories of my father, but the most real of course coming from the 3 years before his death when I moved from California to Arizona to be closer to my family, especially him ( he had his first of 2 open heart surgeries in late 1998) and my youngest sister. Moving here was the best decision I could have made. I was able to spend those 3 years in very close contact with him and I would not trade that for the world.

My dad's love of cars was very deep. Through my pre teen and teen years he bought, remodeled/restored and resold at least a dozen cars/trucks. And his two most prized works of art were his 1947 Chevy truck, which he rebuilt from the ground up with a close car buddy, and the 1976 Pontiac Firebird he "stole" from my mom. It was her car originally but he sort of just took it from her.

He was a jokester and a silly man. He would often make up songs on the fly pertaining to whatever the situation was at the time. And he had these random silly verses he would sing too.

He loved hamburgers, a good piece of steak, and HOT salsa (thanks Mom!). He loved summertime and Lime Sherbert, freshly made strawberry shortcakes, boxing on HBO, especially with his one and only son in law.

He was passionate about life and everything that did. He lived life to the fullest. He wanted a tattoo for a very long time, but hadn't gotten around to actually getting one - until I moved to Arizona. Then he got two and talked of several more he wanted to get. He had a Cobra on one arm and a Scorpion on the other. He even went with me when I got my last tattoo shortly before my wedding (the butterfly on my foot). He sat there holding my hand and talking me through it. What a dad!

He enjoyed his only grandchild and loved her with all his heart. Through his illness' and suffering, she was his inspiration and the only medicine he needed. Whenever he was feeling down on himself or out on his luck, all he needed he would say was a dose of Nini. She was his ray of light. His pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I miss him so much. I tried to think of him positively today, not to shed a tear for his death but celebrate the life he did have while he was here. But now, of course writing this I began to cry. I wish he was here to see how much Niyanna has grown and to enjoy his second granddaughter too.

Somedays, it seems like yesterday that he was here and other days it seems like forever ago. The pain is hardest when I see my mother suffering or think about how lonely she must still feel. After 30 years of marriage, a divorce and second marriage to my mother less than a year later, he had finally found true love and happiness within himself giving him the true opportunity to really love my mother and experience genuine love as well as give it. I am so happy that he got that before he passed.

My heart hurts right now, but I know tomorrow is another day and I will trudge forward. I resolve to keep him forever in my thoughts, his image and his ways etched in my mind. I worry, though, that I may forget. Thank God for my mother and my siblings to help keep him alive in order to share him with my girls when they get older.

Niyanna does much better now when we talk about him. It wasn't always that way. They were the best of buddies and it took her over a year to grasp the concept of death and understand that Grandpa wasn't coming back. I won't forget the day before his surgery. She screamed and kicked and hollered when we had to leave the hospital. Like she knew that was the last time we would see him. She was only two then, but I suppose her intuition was in high gear then too.

It's been a hard, long journey for my family. And today I pray for my mother's health and well being. If I lost her, I would be lost.

So, those of you with father's still on earth, hug them extra tight. Give them extra love and tell them how much you love and care for them. I would give almost anything to have my daddy back for even one day.

And so tonight I blow out the candle that has burning for him all day. With the flame goes his spirit, but only for today.